A certain divinity in the (Live)r's plight
A certain serenity in a Lover's fight
Pained elbows holding fast for stable might
Climbing stairs beyond gutless fright

Feeling pain , drowning your muddy waters
as⋅phyx⋅i⋅ate

Pain(t) the paths of yesterday
Yellow bricks , might they be?
Slighty more piss colored than your under-belly?

A certain silence is pre-requisite.
To be graced by your beneficial kinetic
fray

sometimes its ok to feel like an adolescent again, awkward and kind of new to the world and the way of people. painful but common

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Smashing all of the coveted trinkets held within one's emotional attic
Out of anger, fear, realizing they hold no effective comfort and it's time to let go.
There's nothing to be done but let a heart be broken, to let it open
Sitting empty on the bottom stair.
Peering into the universe, unequivocally relinquished.

I wish people didn't try to depict their lives as if it were in some crazy new technicolor. We're all here, the colors change their vividness depending upon your openness . However, don't fucking try to fake it. There's a million autobiographies to be written, that no one will ever give a shit to read. We've all read the best and worst of poets. It ain't real if you feel the need to put it on your mass mailed out holiday greeting cards.

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:52 pm
Love the jackass annoying neighbor within yourself. You maybe feed them a few decent meals, maybe a beer or two. But you sure as shit don't let them in at 3 am when you're half naked and let them spoon you.

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And there is love

This love is the way clouds weep during an afternoon in Spring .
The vociferant bellows that bring things together again.
The slow trickle of a thawing stream
And the turbulent rapids spilling into an endless sea.

Sometimes you bleed the darkness
Until the water runs clear
Sometimes you float on a river
Til the clouds disappear
Then you sink to the bottom
Dragging along silently
The water takes you, makes you
Live vividly, fluently....softly***

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Wisdom discarded by oblivious pollution
Love thwarted by temptation of a Red #6 colored cherry on top.
Anger that knows no boundaries
Desperation that wants a particular ear to listen.
Whispers locked within a 70's veneered box
Waiting, watching, clenching fists
Smashing energies against..against...
Pin the tail on your arrogance
This party isn't for you
It's meant for thought.
Your ire is not so unique that it can't be store-bought.
Or some generic rendition thereof.
The closest ones pay dearly
For not fitting in a celestial
Serial Box***

---------------------------------

The sadness seeps in behind sanguine smile
Questions painting over root-shaped cracks.
Fear pulling off patterned plaster
Revealing the same walls I built so long ago
Nothing but a glorified imprisonment for pain, for shame, for guilt.
I don't want THIS
I want to be floating
On pacific waters
Watching derailments from far aback
Laughing, loving, singing
An open heart.
YOU.***

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Smashing all of the coveted trinkets held within one's emotional attic
Out of anger, fear, realizing they hold no effective comfort and it's time to let go.
There's nothing to be done but let a heart be broken, to let it open
Sitting empty on the bottom stair.
Peering into the universe, unequivocally relinquished.***

Hrmmm Vat To Say, Vat To Tell???

So its been a while since I have last decided to abuse this thing by neglecting it. So here goes some mind vomit for your asses. Denver has been rather difficult, but not totally in a negative way. I have come to discover through the inevitable and non-stoppable growth of myself, that I have out-grown many types of relationships that perhaps I used to covet. I have finally figured out I have been neglecting all of my pain because I have made myself responsible for others' pain whether they have expected me to or not. And now though I still feel that I am a caring individual, my shift in clarity and boundaries has left many people unsettled with my bluntness or refusal to get dragged into bullshit. So I have lost a lot of "BEST FRIENDS". "LOVERS", "FAMILY", and everything in between. But in that process I have learned to realize those whom I truly love and who truly love me. Though the number is smaller and maybe my social popularity has significantly downsized , I'd rather be surrounded with genuine quality rather than quantity.

Finding work has been hard, my life style feels healthy and constructive, though maybe not in the denominational sense. I have been willing to let most elements of my life go in order to find where I fit. Not to say I have found my way yet , and not to say this hasn't been maybe the hardest struggle with my life thus far...but I feel a confidence, beautiful sadness, and complete joy and openness to embrace this vulnerability. I have a huge ability to block everything out, so the conscious effort to do the opposite will be an experience I will never regret no matter how sour shit will get, though I feel it couldn't get much more sour than what I've been through before.

For now I am working up at the Renaissance Festival, selling beautiful schwag, spending the summer centering myself, so that I can embrace new opportunities and maybe , just maybe traveling possibilities. I plan to be getting back to my art in a way to process all of the emotion I never knew I had so easily disregarded or better worded avoided. And so, I guess that is where I am at now. Though fear has stopped me before, I will no longer let it control my journey or the lack of one I would have if I continued to let it*

Guess What

I am still not dead yet. K.

The DQ is Where it's at so they say in Palestine

Yes that's right folks. I am in the Butt Fuck of the USA and the only place to get wifi is at the Dairy Queen, so I have been sitting here for 2 hours with 31 cent coffee counting mullets and beer bellies. It might sounds as if I view this as a negative experience, but quite the opposite. Much time for myself and focusing and simplifying my life. Last night I had the best dream ever, Lemmy from Motorhead was my favorite uncle and he was dressed like Colonel Sanders and was giving me piggyback rides, how could that suck? Plus I have been exploring some rad abandoned towns and buildings, and example above or below wherever they decide to put it on this shit. I will update better'n shit when I get back to the homestead.

-S