Tuesday, June 23, 2009
So its been a while since I have last decided to abuse this thing by neglecting it. So here goes some mind vomit for your asses. Denver has been rather difficult, but not totally in a negative way. I have come to discover through the inevitable and non-stoppable growth of myself, that I have out-grown many types of relationships that perhaps I used to covet. I have finally figured out I have been neglecting all of my pain because I have made myself responsible for others' pain whether they have expected me to or not. And now though I still feel that I am a caring individual, my shift in clarity and boundaries has left many people unsettled with my bluntness or refusal to get dragged into bullshit. So I have lost a lot of "BEST FRIENDS". "LOVERS", "FAMILY", and everything in between. But in that process I have learned to realize those whom I truly love and who truly love me. Though the number is smaller and maybe my social popularity has significantly downsized , I'd rather be surrounded with genuine quality rather than quantity.
Finding work has been hard, my life style feels healthy and constructive, though maybe not in the denominational sense. I have been willing to let most elements of my life go in order to find where I fit. Not to say I have found my way yet , and not to say this hasn't been maybe the hardest struggle with my life thus far...but I feel a confidence, beautiful sadness, and complete joy and openness to embrace this vulnerability. I have a huge ability to block everything out, so the conscious effort to do the opposite will be an experience I will never regret no matter how sour shit will get, though I feel it couldn't get much more sour than what I've been through before.
For now I am working up at the Renaissance Festival, selling beautiful schwag, spending the summer centering myself, so that I can embrace new opportunities and maybe , just maybe traveling possibilities. I plan to be getting back to my art in a way to process all of the emotion I never knew I had so easily disregarded or better worded avoided. And so, I guess that is where I am at now. Though fear has stopped me before, I will no longer let it control my journey or the lack of one I would have if I continued to let it*